Today I spent a few hours re-reading all of Grandma’s handwritten journals that she kept during the last few years of her life. I have read them before; two years ago when Mom first gave them to me, I read through them all but quickly became overwhelmed and too emotional to do much with them aside from organize them into chronological order.
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That was no easy task, either–it seems that sometimes she wrote in more than one notebook during the same period of time. Other times, she’d go back and “fill in” blank spots on previous pages. Mostly she just stopped counting the date at all anymore, and only relied on the time of day and exterior “reminders” of the season (Christmas trees during the winter holidays, the temperature or amount of light in a day, etc. While trying to re-order her notes I had to depend heavily on little messages written in the books from her visitors here and there. Sometimes several weeks passed without mention of a date…
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I noticed highs and lows in her mood and temperament, and distinct periods of “lucidity” among the months of nearly identical updates about coffee and the weather and her dog, Ivy. Today I studied the journals more closely than I had allowed myself last time and I was really grateful to come away thinking that although she had bad days, for the most part Grandma was always the same person we always knew, with or without her memories. She was so faithful and loving to her beloved little dog, and so grateful for every single visitor who ever stopped to see her. Shortly before she stopped writing any longer, she wrote “There are lots of people here [LakeWood Care Center in Baudette] in wheelchairs and walking with canes–makes me realize how lucky I am.”
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Hopefully I will do her memory the honor it deserves!
